Seabiscuit is lame!

Look, Hunger Games is blandly entertaining enough – it’s not like it’s 2011 anymore – so why bother picking on it?  I even forgive the fact, he said before he dug into it thereby indicating a lack of forgiveness, that it’s probably the first film ever made in the Fight To The Death genre where the main character doesn’t actually kill anybody.  No, I’ll give you your source material, and raise you one inexplicable CGI super dog; it’s for teens, who do not like choice to be a part of drama.  I’ve seen all the Twilight films and I know that…actually no, I don’t remember a single thing.  Which proves how crucial choice is as a part of narrative, something that you’ve already forgotten since I didn’t make it part of a story.

Nevertheless, I accept that narrative is dead.  I’m in the seventh stage: snarkiness.  Continue reading

Clark without Milch

I have this entire plan for this website that involves making it, you know, actually readable.  Being that there’s a lot of text and all.  Having already ‘hired’ five website designers, you can see the results for yourself.  This is what happens when you offer to pay someone to do something.  What I need to do is get someone to work for me for free.  Like what you’re doing now by plowing through the ugliness you see before you.  Once I do that, the new website will allow me to write short pieces on movies that I want to say something about, but for which I don’t have the time to say Something.  As such, the bland and overpraised Carancho deserves only a brief evisceration.  Let’s start, as I often do, at the end, where the main characters are hit by a car.  See, Sr. Ricardo Darín is a ‘vulture’, who takes advantage of the thousands of people hit by cars in Argentina every year.  Then, he’s…hit by a car in the end.  This is followed by a subtitle that explains how ironic this is.  Then quotes appear.  Then quotes around the quotes in a parenthetical.   Unfortunately I still didn’t understand the irony.  They didn’t use the right font.  So the director flew into England to appear after the film to explain to me that the character who made his living off of car accidents being killed in a car accident was ‘backwards angry total’.

Thank God I speak perfect Spanish. Continue reading

The Death of Death In Cinema: a Rebirth. Part Two.

My hatred of trailers is well documented.  By me, but still.  The fact they that ruin good movies is par for the course, and I swear each time to wait outside the lobby until they are over, even though I know my need to complain about something here will override this impulse every time.  That and the melting ice cream.  It doesn’t taste the same unless you’re watching something!  In choosing movies, we can’t go by stars, directors (see below), and certainly not critics, who are as good as picking films as stock brokers are at picking stocks (if you read this, you’ll understand why the Nobel committee will also award me the prize for economics for my work in the Rotten Tomatoes meter.  Whether or not it’s after the peace prize I leave up to them.  That’s my peaceful nature for you.  So after, I guess). Continue reading

The Comfort of Trailers

I think I mentioned how certain great films ruin cinema forever, and it occurs to me that Evil Dead 2 is one such example.  Not that people copied the frenetic style and non-stop gag after gag pace; not even Mr. Sam Raimi could do that.  No, they always copy the stupid parts, and in this case, it was Mr. Raimi’s willingness to admit that The Evil Dead, while pretty good, just needed a quick do-over.  And with the extra fifty bucks some idiot gave him, he may have called it a sequel, but in making it, he just strapped a camera to a 2X4 and remade 1 as the masterpiece we know as 2.   Thus the requel was born.  And no, I’m not sure if anyone has come up with that port-manteau before, and you know I’m not going to check, in case it was copyrighted by the people who are bringing you the remake of Citizen Kane, written, directed and starring Ms. Gwyneth Paltrow, told in chronological order, from one perspective.  And no that isn’t a real thing; I send it thusly into the zeitgeist so that it might become one.  Future you, you’re welcome.  Also, don’t cross the street on October 11, 2035.  Or you’ll get bitten by a zombie Gwenyth Paltrow.

Continue reading

A New Year

Given that I’m still working on a 3000 word treatise on the 2011 The Thing, a film which no one saw or wrote about, and one that I only mention to talk about other films, I will be brief in my address of the equally unpopular The Darkest Hour.  I’ve always felt that these bits have to be a certain length, contain a certain number of gags and so forth, but this is just the requirement of my editor, who only exists in my brain.  So I did the only sensible thing.  I sent him to Glecknor 7.  He’s in my brain; it’s not like I could have had him fired. Continue reading

Great. Now I hate Paris.

Why on earth, as a fan of Mr. John Carpenter’s 1982 version, would I see the teens-ies remake of The Thing?  The first answer – I will see anything – is certainly true, it doesn’t actually mean that I see everything, only any.  Thing.  So why does one wind up at some movies and not others?  In the case of The Thing I saw it to wash the taste of Hugo out of my mouth, which it did.  Why did I see Hugo?  Because there weren’t any good times for the The Thing.  Which leaves us with why I would want see The Thing in the first place.

I already said.  Because I just saw Hugo.  Pay attention. Continue reading

A Styrofoam Cup of Blood

I apologize in advance for bothering to write an entire piece on Twilight 3.1.  Originally this was to be an snide aside, subsumed into the earlier We Need to Talk About Kevin piece, but I was inspired (read annoyed) to do so by the following article.  There are two options here, the second possibly worse than the first.  If you don’t read French, I will translate.  When ‘Bella arrive à prendre du pouvoir, mais par le mariage, la production d’un enfant et la mort’, (Bella does come to take her power, but from marriage, having a baby and death).  There is thus a big difference between ‘Girl Power‘ (‘empowerment’) and ‘Empowerment‘ (‘empowerment’).

The second option is that you do read French.

Continue reading

Unmentionables

At the cancellation of the very fine Prime Suspect (the US version, not the wildly overrated UK version.  That’s right, someone finally said it out loud), I wonder what it’s like to make something great and not have anyone notice.  Certainly everyone who works in TV knows about this, but I think in particular of all the films, like Vertigo, Blade Runner, Husbands and Wives, Naked Lunch, It’s a Wonderful Life, The Big Lebowski, and even Citizen Kane and how they affected the careers of their various filmmakers.  These are, all of them, not great, but exceptional, and were, well, either ignored at the time, or praised and damned by the lightness of it.  They were not understood as the genre-defining and recreating films that they were.  My theory that the various careers of these filmmakers were sent off course by their masterwork’s reception may be a case of cum hoc ergo propter hoc.  This is only natural; when you see the headline Brett Ratner To Helm Red Dragon right next to World Comes To End, what else are you supposed to think?

But whether this is causal or correlative, it can be said that the filmmakers in question began a decline soon after their most complete and personal work, some of whom (Mr. Cronenberg in particular) never recovered.  I acknowledge that what with all the money involved, it’s much easier to give the Longbowman’s Salute to the critics if you’re a painter, or some idiot writing a blog.  But we do this to be liked, and it hurts bad enough when people don’t like your Legend’s or Topaz’s, but you when you do something amazing, and no one really notices, it’s like when the horrible girlboyfriend breaks up with you.  And it leads to the same place: maybe I should just give up, dress schumpy, get some cats and make Hollywood Ending.

It could happen to anyone. Continue reading

Ceci n’est pas un film au sujet de maladie.

What are the parts of the trailer they always show in a film directed by Mr. Ronald Emmerich?  No, not a body surfing Shakespeare (1m21s in), though that is pretty great.  What they to choose to get your butts on their seats are blowing up White Houses, waves of a freezing cold water engulfing New York, or arks crashing into each other because they forgot that the 2012 flood that engulfs the entire world might be a little choppy.  Apologies, of course, for the sudden outburst of high expectations.  Why can’t movies about Mayan predictions for the end of the world be realistic? Continue reading

All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do really fucking evil shit.

Not having a dachshund nearby, Nathan and I were faced with a dilemma.  Between Mr. Shawn Levy’s four hour director’s cut of Real Steel, the shot for shot remake of The Thing, which is also a prequel and a very boring Vietnam documentary on the life of William Colby The Man Noboby Knew, we were faced with (gulp) choice.  Like pretty much everybody, I don’t like responsibility.  They created a whole system of government to take care of this problem, goddammit!  This is why we vote for the lesser of two evils: so they can decide among the lesser of three evils.

Sadly Obama was nowhere around to save us, Obama, save us, so it was up to me.  Why do I hate taking responsibility?  Well, it’s your fault, actually (see what I did there?).  If the movie, restaurant, social program or war turns out to be a bad idea, you’re going to blame me.  This isn’t fair, since it would mean I knew that the girlfriend, tax rebate, television show, or war was a bad idea before I did it anyway, which would in turn mean that I was both all-knowing, and extremely stupid.  Ah, I see.  That is what you were thinking.

So what do I do? I let the randomizer on my phone make the decision for me.   Of course being omniscient, I also know what it’s going to say, but the illusion helps me from being harassed at parties.  Incidentally, you’re going to die in 2034.  Of future disease.   Continue reading