This Ticket limits our liability. Read It.

 By reading the enclosed, Reader (hereby referred to as Reader) agrees to imdemnify Batman (hereby referred to as Writer) from the following:

 Resolved: that these are not movie reviews, and therefore Writer reserves all rights to spoil every plot turn, line of dialog, and gratuitous Matthew McConaughey casting that he sees fit, not only with the movie in question, but with any movie he has seen, heard about it, or simply made up, even if Reader really, really was going to see that one, but couldn't figure out how the Netflix queue works.

 Resolved: that these are not reviews, Reader will not hold Writer responsible if Writer does not convey if a movie is Good (hereby defined as Good) or Bad (hereby also defined as Good). This is largely because Writer isn't sure either.

It was an implicit assumption in writing this that I am better than every other movie critic who ever lived (you, by reading same, have given your tacit agreement to the above statement.Read the fine print).This is not due any intelligence or wit on my part; after all, I was not the one who came up with Death Camp For Cutie, or Sex And The City 2 as the greatest science fiction film ever made.I obviously wish I had, but my brain is not that big.Fortunately for my ego, it is small enough to think that it could have come up with those bits.Nor is my ability to fool myself the reason I am better than then every movie critic who ever lived.I am better than every movie critic that ever lived for the simple fact that I see movies, and critics don’t.

No, I’m not accusing Mr. Roger Ebert of fast-forwarding over the dull parts of Your Highness and giving it a bad review (or fast-forwarding over the dull parts of Meek’s Cutoff and giving it a good review); if I was a movie critic, and I am, this is exactly what I would do if given the opportunity.I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve reached for the imaginary TiVo remote during the part when we hear about how his father was sad, and so he’s sad, or her sister needs forgiveness so she has to kill that robot.I imagine the people behind me, especially those in the UK, are especially confused by the man making the ‘be-boop, be-boop, be-boop’ (to be read aloud in increasing pitch) sound.For those of you in our lovely third-world country who have never experienced the joy of TiVo, I will explain: if you hear a strange man in the theater gesturing at the screen and loudly be-booping, it means: ‘shut up, and shoot the robot’.You may also want to call the police.

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