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 By reading the enclosed, Reader (hereby referred to as Reader) agrees to imdemnify Batman (hereby referred to as Writer) from the following:

 Resolved: that these are not movie reviews, and therefore Writer reserves all rights to spoil every plot turn, line of dialog, and gratuitous Matthew McConaughey casting that he sees fit, not only with the movie in question, but with any movie he has seen, heard about it, or simply made up, even if Reader really, really was going to see that one, but couldn't figure out how the Netflix queue works.

 Resolved: that these are not reviews, Reader will not hold Writer responsible if Writer does not convey if a movie is Good (hereby defined as Good) or Bad (hereby also defined as Good). This is largely because Writer isn't sure either.

Recently, I was baffled, as were you, by the transmission of Mr. Todd Haynes’ terrifyingly inert Mildred Pierce. I can understand wanting to remake it after reading the book and realizing ‘it’s different from the movie’, though, this shock reminds me, as pretty much everything does, of driving.How often have I screamed out, after having been narrowly missed by a driver/car that doesn’t understand that roads are social: ‘Other people on planet!Yes, it was shocking.When I was five!’That Ida sleeps with Mildred’s paramour in the book and not in the movie was shocking.In the forties.And it is with great credit towards to the 1946 Michael Curtiz version that I actually remember the movie with this ending because it managed 1) to suggest it effectively, and 2) not bore and confuse me to death.

Halfway through, unable to stop watching because, well, of all the naked people (I have to give Mr. Haynes his due for that), and with the hope that, you know, something would happen, I looked up ‘Mildred Pie…’, and was quickly pleased to find Google filling in ‘rce hbo review’.If that’s not democracy…ah, right, that’s not actually democracy.Never mind.In any case, I no longer felt alone: others were reaching out as I was, yearning to know: Was this being tolerated?Why was this being tolerated?Who was tolerating it?How can they be stopped short of violence?How can they be stopped inclusive of violence?

One of the top hits was Mr. Stephen King’s feh review, which talked about ‘performance’ (bleech) as if it can be surgically removed from story, character, tone, and, most importantly, tedium.It can’t, by the way.But Mr. King’s toleration of this ennui-fest, possibly through his (admittedly justified) love of Ms. Winslet, betrayed his own ethos when he quoted  Mr. Elmore Leonard (and I’m embarrassed to say that this was the first time I had come across this dictum.Elmore Leonard should teach writing to everybody.We need someone to ignore when we’re making terrible movies).Mr. Leonard said, and Mr. King chose to ignore him when speaking of Mildred Pierce:’leave out the boring parts.’

Mr. Haynes, if you want to see how this is done, see Drive Angry.And see it in 3D.

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